Timing

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Had some thoughts about timing. I’ve been an astrologer for 40+ years so I ought to know about how life moves in cycles and cycles within cycles. People would be so much more equanimous if they understood the movement of both personal and transpersonal planets because they would see that you cannot push the river, no matter how hard you try. Still, it seems to be in our nature as humans to try to twist a rope of sand or make water run uphill (which we’ve done many times, especially with all the river damming in the west). We have a hard time waiting on universal time, which is impersonal anyway–it’s the flow of energy and events. It isn’t coming and going at our command, it’s just ebbing and flowing–the diastolic, systolic rhythm and nature of life. However, we all take it personally. It isn’t personal.

So, here am I, an astrologer, and even though I am fully aware of the movement of the seasons of life, I can get angry, frustrated and upset because the season for things I desire is just not coming around when I want it to, or it has passed or it isn’t supposed to come around at all! One profound thing I’ve learned from looking at thousands upon thousands of charts is that we do not all have every door of life’s opportunities open to us. Some doors are closed. This is Karma. You just cannot have everything you want the way you want it. And reality is such that if you do get something you think you want, it never works out quite the way you thought anyway. I have to keep reminding myself: this is 3-dimensional reality and our consciousness is so much bigger than the small container we are endeavoring to fit it into. No wonder there are bound to be glitches, frustrations and hilarious mishaps.

In regards to timing–I came to Chicago in 2008, pretty much against my so-called “will..” I say I “landed” in Chicago and it has taken me YEARS to adjust, accept and flow with this experience. Since 2008 I have tried to get a website up much like this one one, with absolutely zero success. Although I think of myself as computer literate, I wouldn’t say savvy at all things. Design is something I’m not too great at, but once I learn something I can navigate within it and create something personal and interesting. I did this in Montana from 1998-2000 where, with the help of a neighbor and friend, I designed and put up a web magazine I called Grizzly50.com. (That’s because I turned 50 in Whitefish, Montana, which at the time I thought was a big milestone). This magazine was out there long before web logs (blogs) and on-line content in magazine form was so prevalent and popular. I was ahead of the curve. I published weekly and had new articles daily. Advertisers from local businesses in Whitefish paid for ads. My “constituents” consisted mainly of locals, but there are a lot of writers in Montana so I think I reached quite a few of them. I designed the magazine to be very visual with plenty of pictures and photographs, but I also had a lot of content that went into weekly featured articles as well as on-going sections that I continually updated. It was a beautiful piece of work, but when I left Montana for Arizona, I left the magazine and went on with other things, like my education.

The first attempt I made to set up a site much like this was with a young man I met in 2008 who was arrogant, self-righteous and full of crap. He had a ton of money from his parents and grandparents and spent a lot of time traveling in S. America. He was openly rude to me on numerous occasions. The only reason I put up with it was because I hoped that it would result in a blog much like this one–a storage and display place for all my work and an opportunity to communicate with the public. After many sessions (six, I think) and paying him and paying for a domain site, nothing materialized! The design he “gave me” was unworkable for me and he refused to meet and discuss it after the design was so-called “up.” It was some program which needed someone who knew HTML and was totally not user-friendly. I scrapped it and him. He took off for Columbia and I haven’t heard from his since.

I gave up for a while, although I looked around for programs that would be easy to set-up and use. I found WordPress but still felt I needed some guidance, however I knew no one who would be willing to sit for an hour or so with me and help me with set up. The dearth of collaborative creative options for me here in Chicago is one of the main reasons I am so down on this place. As cities go it is beautiful and easily navigated without a car (I gave up my car in 2008), but the people–meh! Not to mention they are blatantly and unashamedly AGEIST right to your face! That’s a subject for another blog. The hipster element here is reprehensible. Anyway, a second chance arrived just in the past year with a guy who designs sites for a living. Again I paid some money and he sat with me for two sessions getting my ideas for what had hoped would be THE SITE. No go! After two sessions and way too much money paid out, he disappeared and when I saw him again he was rude as hell. Another one bites the dust. I was almost ready to give up when I met Tom, who’s link is on the blog earlier. Tom works part time at the local deli where I hang out and used to work myself. He’s studying graphic design. He came over and in 2 sessions, an hour-long each, we set up this site, tweaked it a couple of times and got the whole thing live and going! He’s a sweet guy, brilliant and respectful. That was all I asked!

What a difference a day makes.

Or, in this case, almost six years! Yikes. But it was worth it. Since I began this journey I’ve created more work and last summer I spent the entire summer scouring my hard drive to collect all my writing onto a smart drive which I could then upload to this site. This site has three-fold reasons for being. Number one is as a storage place for all my work. Number two is to share with the public or people I meet. The third is to market the work.

I end this blog with the observation that timing was the ultimate lesson here. No matter how hard you try to get something going or create something, the chances of success are nil without the permission of the universe–you gotta do things in time, and if you don’t KNOW the time then you have to respect that the time exists and understand that it isn’t going around on your say so! I get it Universe. You gave me my website when it was supposed to happen.

Thank you.

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Thoughts in November

I have been thinking and feeling about the accomplishment that this blog/website represents. I have concluded that I need to congratulate myself on this accomplishment without needing others to do so for me. This is primarily a display of my life’s work. It includes much finished work and work in progress. It is a large collection of writing, music and videos. My writing spans six genres, just as soon as I start uploading my non-fiction work. I have much more poetry to upload. I am proud of the work I’ve done and the fact that in the face of extreme financial and circumstantial hardship I have kept writing, kept my hat in the ring, so to speak. People used to refer to George W. as “all hat and no cattle..” and I would have to say that in my case I am hat and cattle combined! Here you have the HAT AND THE CATTLE of my entire life.

The only thing that really means more to me are my three children. They’ve given me much more than any creative project has done, they have been the reason I continue to work at all. Even though they are adults now I think of them continuously and daily. I admit I was not the greatest mom and I will win no awards. I struggled with being a single parent, we were poor and I was in denial about that–I kept trying to live a middle class life on poverty wages. I hid from myself my own sense of shame and inferiority and blew it out with a lot of false bravado. I tried to create a world of creativity and fun when we never had enough to eat. It was a disconnect that I am only beginning to realize. Be that as it may, I am holding the candle of light for my three beautiful lights. So yes, nothing will ever take the place of your kids–they are everything. But my grandchildren might be said to be my stories. Some of them decidedly dark and strange, perhaps bitter and angry, but nevertheless true expression of who I am as a writer, as a musician, as a kind of curmudgeon slash pundit in the modern world of the 21st Century. This century where many changes occur, both subtle and overwhelming.