Corona Diaries 2020 3-27-20

Where are we now? We sure do not have heroic response from our President and the White House. Heroes have emerged, however, the boldest being Andrew Cuomo, our daily briefing governor who has spoken brilliantly, openly, honestly and inspiringly. He is our modern day Winston Churchill. Meanwhile Trump is making an historic pandemic “somebody else’s problem” His dangerous inability to make good decisions or even care about deaths and disease and escalation, makes him a genocidal and dangerous leader. He does not have our back. He does not make us feel we are all in this together. We are all in this together as long as you are rich and at the top of the capitalist heap. 

Have, Know, Do: My Deeper Sense of Self

“Would you rather be an contented cow or an unhappy human being?” Eckhart Tolle

Could I say, about myself, this cow is happy? I, like every other human with the exception of a very few, am lost in my “so-called” life. The endless mental chatter of my mind tortures me–my mind appears to be quite abusive and really tries every way it can to punish me for just being alive. I am not good enough, beautiful enough, smart enough, successful enough, rich enough, industrious enough, kind enough, aware enough, enough enough enough! Me, the real me of consciousness and the “egoic me” as Tolle terms it, what the Buddhists call “ego,” are in a constant battle for who is going to control the moment to moment existence of this life.

It is a schizophrenic dual existence we’ve been living as humans for such a long time, we are walking around in this state without really understanding it. How can I merge the consciousness and awareness with the personality that walks around here, the one that talks to itself constantly and announces her presence in the most unpleasant way: “ta dum de dum de dum?”

We lost our integrated wholeness a long time ago–in mythology we can explore the split. Ancient creative myths tell us about obsession. We are now looking for the word beyond the wasteland of the collective mind pattern in which we are now immersed.

Randomness and Free Will

I’ve been grappling with this issue my entire life, although as a child I did not have the words to express what I felt. After 45 years of studying astrology and many years as a Buddhist and meditator I have come to the conclusion that there is no such thing as “free will.” If we break those individual words down I realize that nothing is “free” without chords to the past and connections to the potential future. “Will?” what is that? To me a capitalist construct. It is a fantasy that puts the population into two separate camps: those who appear to enact their “will” and those, who for whatever reasons (I call it Karma or even evolvement!) cannot enact what everyone says is “free will.” They’ve got to do the jobs nobody wants to do, they’ve got to live in the digs no one sees as fit. They’ve got to struggle. Jesus said “the poor will always be with us.” This was not a superficial dismissal, this was a deep understanding of the karma of life. If our species lasts long enough to evolve, perhaps we will find a way to enact equal distribution of goods and services, but the tribal breakdown is too big and the smaller factions have now grown too violent.

The more charts I study over the decades and decades of astrological study the more I understand that we write our charts before we come into life, and that blueprint, that map of life,  has specific requirements based on accumulative karma and many lives. In addition, though many doors may be open upon birth and open in the course of a life, many so-called other doors are simply not going to open! This is not punishment, this is learning, this is growth; this is pressure on the coal to produce the diamond.

In another society, culture and world, perhaps, one that is not based on money and materialism as the fantasy of what power is, those who are intuitive empaths would have opportunities galore while those that are good are the exchange of filthy lucre would be relegated to low status, boring jobs! That’s my revenge fantasy. It’s not true really. We all get what we need and honestly, what we deserve. If you don’t like what you see in your life, changing your thoughts (another bullshit ballyhoo meant to shame us all into submission) won’t do a damn thing!

And talking of “changing your thoughts..” well, I prefer to look upon it as watching the passing parade. Our thoughts are just what the busy brain does. We do not have to attach to any one thought. That’s the beauty of meditation.

The best antidote to unhappiness is gratitude, forgiveness and love. That’s it.

Try it. Today.



This is a Television series. The Pilot and Episode One are available here. My target audience is 20-70 and up. I am appealing to those who liked The Sopranos, The Wire and Deadwood. Producers interested can contact me here.

Pilgrims 11-15

Dancing Out Across the Floor

The matter won’t matter much anymore
tomorrow or the day after or the after
of the day that afterwards seemed to matter
yet the matter was forgotten or dreamt of
or thought somewhere back where the
thoughts go.

Dancing out across the floor
I saw you go– beautiful, manly
lithe–like a dancer somewhere
but not quite.
Who were you then?
Haven’t seen you in forty years.
Has it been that long?

I must meet somebody for whom
the going is strong and lit by lamps
of understanding tears that cry
in a primary way that two faces
someone to love me more than
you or you or you or you you you
the matter of the matter that won’t
even trickle down to my awareness

that matter doesn’t really matter anymore.

On Leadership

I think the gift for collaboration is the dividing marker between “success” and “failure” especially now with our highly social, collaborative Millenial generation, although Gen X and Gen Y are also obsessively social and needy in their pursuit of collaboration. So it appears to me, an aging Boomer with a decidedly “inner directed” personality and character. I was, am and always have been a highly quirky individualist with a flair and a gift for creativity, and an absolute horror of groups and collaborative ventures. Groups drive me crazy. What I have observed, and has been corroborated by science and observation, is that the best leaders are the best liars. Erich Fromm writes eloquently about the ethical considerations of modern men and women.

One of the decidedly noticable facets of many “leaders” and professional collaborators is their singular inability to contemplate death. The vast majority of leaders do nothing to explore the mystery of life and death, at least publically, and thus they deny the essential existential quality of being human. Their unwillingness to carry the contradiction to fruition or at least to the public domain, has meant that leadership is largely a game of denial and expository bullshit that is meant to assuage the fears and anxiety of the masses. Leaders, and groups under their augis develop a large cultural and societal groupthink mentality that encourages desperation, confusion and anxiety. No wonder we are an anxious society! With all the technogolical advances and medical progress we are still unable to stop killing one another in large and small numbers, we are unable to help people who are systemically incarcerated in large warehouses called jails and prisons, we cannot educate our children to think critically, solve problems, generate love and compassion and work for the greater good, we cannot celebrate creativity without exploiting it and numbing its rough edges, we cannot find and elect leaders who are individual, iconoclastic and challenging.

Our nationwide and worldwide docility will be the cause of the human species’ demise.

The problem of leadership exists because in the present day (20th-21st centuries) being a leader starts at the playground level–those chosen for leadership are usually the “tactful” ones whose ability to numb themselves or hide themselves from “debilitating” feelings and excessive compassion for the underdog selects them as suitable leaders–thus leaders are born, bred and schooled from youth onwards. And it continues on to adulthood where playground leaders become lying politicians and corporate grabbers without a conscience.

Because of this, we have people who have little or no understanding or compassion for others making decisions for large numbers of people. The gift for collaboration means that one’s “own” creative impulse gets shattered, watered down or absorbed by the group. There is no sense of accomplishment outside of a groupthink mentality. Dave Eggars latest book “Circle” explores this groupthink mentality in detail–it’s an excellent book. The bottom line is that groupthink is the death of original thought and action. It is always the outsider, the iconoclast, the weirdo, (often the people we reject and shame) that comes up with a direction toward a new paradigm for life on earth, Collaboration is only necessary for survival on the most base level–we need our staunch individualistic “inner directed” loners to come up with new pathways.

We are a dissatisfied, anxious and restless civilization. Part of this is because those who could and are willing to lead us to greater awareness remain marginalized from the central core of decision-making power. The Dalai Lama, Pema Chodrun, Ajahn Brahm, Eckhart Tolle–they all have a large following but none of their followers are willing to take the consciousness to the streets, the halls of the senate or board rooms of wall street. Perhaps it will become necessary for the streets, the senate and boardroom to be annhilated before real change can take place. Perhaps it will be necessary for anxiety and restlessness to become horror and pain on a mass scale before humankind can evolve.

In any case both our present and our future requires courageous leadership that has the ability to stand against the tide and make room for new ways of thinking, being and doing. This will require a huge leap of faith for the masses who are largely angry, confused and faithless. I do not know if this is possible, quite honestly. Sometimes I feel that we are a species that is doomed. Everything is born, lives and dies. Planets die, solar systems die, stars die, galaxies die, in Hindu teachings even the Universe has a birth and death cycle! I am thinking that we are now on the front lines of observing the human species dying. No wonder Stephen Hawking is pushing for us to colonize other planets! He knows we’re time-lived here on earth–suffocating ourselves by destroying the forests that absorb our carbon dioxide and emit oxygen, decimating our habitat, wildlife and plants, poisoning our systems with terrible non-food posing as food, killing each other in huge numbers–warfare, accidents, shootings–all signs of a civilization disintegrating from the outside in and the inside out.

As the Hindus call it, Kali Yuga.

Hindus believe that human civilization degenerates spiritually during the Kali Yuga,[8] which is referred to as the Dark Age because in it people are as far away as possible from God. Hinduism often symbolically represents morality (dharma) as a bull. In Satya Yuga, the first stage of development, the bull has four legs, but in each age morality is reduced by one quarter. By the age of Kali, morality is reduced to only a quarter of that of the golden age, so that the bull of Dharma has only one leg.[9][10]

Hawking is pushing for colonization for another reason: the aggressive development scientists are undergoing with Artificial Intelligence. Of course the species with the Big Brain wants a challenge and the current big challenge is to design another beng that has all the capabilities of humans! Haha. Kind of God-playing mentality I suppose. Hawking said AI will be the end of the human species. Of course they will program this new species with a strong survival mechanism and we all know where that leads! AI will learn to destroy anything that threatens its own survival! I think we can easily compare this to how the Indigenous populations of North and South America felt when the white men from Europe came down in hordes with their “manifest destiny” mandate, their hubris, their arrogant self righteous power complex and their cruel disregard of the intuitive side of life and completely decimated their civilization in about 200 years. AI will decimate us imperfect humans in 20 years or less.

We’d better find space colonies soon. For us oldsters, we will be gone, but younger generations will be in the thick of this. Unless something else happens, like earthquakes on the fault lines, subsequent tsunamies, mass droughts, climate related catastrophies that destroy huge numbers of people etc. Any way necessary Gaia will create balance, but we may be the sacrifice in the bargain. Other species will have a go at intelligence and perhaps, for a while, they will do better than we did.

A Departure

I will be looking at you as you were when you were six
small hands, cute little rounded body
long wavy blond hair before it would grow frizzy and african
in the teenage years
(if you had been a teen).
I will be wishing to grab you
and make you mine
just a little longer
hold you in the sphere of my arms
whichever forever comes first,
but forever might be lazy.

I will be doing all of that
when I transmute this day into
something else.
But I will not be doing that now
today or never ever–
because The Man, The Father
has come into the room
in his irritating silent way of power
to ask if I am ready.

I am never ready so I wait.
I am silent
so is he
there is no talk
as I stand in the middle of your room.
Your bed signals me–a wave, a nod
I crawl into your sheets
to hide there.
Bury my face in your smell
roll in your body
that was just there the other day.

This day will never happen.

I will tell The Man, the Father, the Husband
He won’t understand
that this day will not happen.

just as soon as I find my voice
I am telling him.
I would have told him before.
But only silence ticks out of my throat
like those birds that suddenly
decamp to the sky at dusk
devoid of sound
you look
they are gone.
I am the silent dusk birds
and you
The Father
are not here.

But The Father touches my arm
and says in such a voice that makes
a ripping sound. I come open like
a cracked egg.
“It’s time.”

I will be biking along that path in campus
that we love by the well and then
to the Student Union where you will
take fistfuls of water in your mouth
from the fountain. You are five.
I will lounge on the great tufted couch
in the Ladies Room while you lounge
on the floor with one of the books
we just bought at the bookstore.

I will do all those things.

But first, I will tell The Man, The Father
what I know.

“She is not dead.”
“I know,” he will say, in another world, another time.
I will abide and wait
because you will come back to me.
My baby, baby.
Only one baby.
Oh dear–

You will not be nine again, will you?
You will not be mine again, will you?